Fuck.

So many issues so little fucking time to deal with life. I have been a good girl for ever now. Never really complaining about life it's self. But when reality sets in; when you have to start growing up, what is there to do? I started working two weeks ago. I love it like I have found the gold at the end of the freaking rainbow. The Chef; Aaron he is a great guy. Also new to the job, but he has been a Chef for ten years. He offered to train me and that's what he has done. He's a great guy, and I am just so proud to stand next to him, while he wears the uniform of not just any artist; but an Culinary artist. I am proud because now I know I am a step closer to my dream of becoming a Chef myself. I'm not doing that petty school cafe stuff. I am actually cooking food! It's nerve racking though. Each day they give me more and more to do. To test me. And its just going to get even harder. Brandon; my boss, he also just started taking over that position. So just about everyone is trying to get to know one another.

So I guess that was the good news. Bad new comes next and there's a lot of it. Bad news. The job takes a lot out of me. I use to be use to only 2 hours of labor, but now its 6 hours, 30 hours a week. I know I will get use to it, but I just keep having issues setting my sleep schedule. I am working on getting my emancipation so I can get a place of my own. The idea of living with KC is long gone. He works at Elite but he cant stay to the dedication of it [even though we practically do about the same shit for the same amount of hours] so he has missed two weeks. He does have his excuses.. Some which are unbeatable. His other job is under the table so taxes don't add in. And really he loves that job because he gets weed and Alcohol.

So I decided I cant trust him anymore. I am going to be stuck at Emily's for awhile. As soon as I get my emancipation I am going to get myself an one bedroom apartment. Maybe I could rent from Sherry. She rented to us when we lived behind Lindsey. 350 a month for that apartment. Not bad if you ask me. It was three bedroom. Only my dad had to fucker up, get grandpa taken away from us, and cause us to have to move into several shitty places.

Speaking of my dad; I still feel shitty on him going back to prison. I was able to talk to him. I was able to say 'I forgive you' finally and mean it. I was able to cry, and hear him cry as well. Then I had to have one final call with him. It was the call that set me where I am now. I cried and told him how I was living. I put him threw so much worry, and he still doesn't know if I am okay or not because I haven't had the heart to tell him everything that happened that morning. I am actually afraid too. Then I had to feel myself lose him a second time.

Then on my grandpa. DID ANYONE FUCKING REALIZE ANOTHER YEAR PASTED THAT HE'S BEEN DEAD?! I want to scream that line to the fucking world. I remember I was still living with my mom when that date came. No one. Said anything. That was actually the day I made my last call to my dad. Because Eric got into my face that day. Its been what- four fucking years!? Was he just so disrespected from my side of the family that he is so easily forgotten? Or maybe it's just the regret I feel for following my Fathers foot steps on how I treated my grandfather as a kid. I miss my grandpa because on the day of his death. The moment my mom called me; and I started bawling was the moment I realized, that, that ten days he stayed in our home, I could have talked to him a little more. I could have shared how my life was going, a little more, and I could have asked him to forgive me for how I was such a mean little selfish kid. How I had to be Daddy's girl and do as Daddy did. My life is such a double edged sword.

Other things, I am sick and tired of the war between my friends. Kc needs to act like hes 18 not just show it. He needs to realize that we all are growing up and weather we like it or not Hemp is still Illegal in Illinois. There's a reason why I told Edward. She deserves to know whats going on in her home. So when she returns she is ready for the changes. I hope when she gets back down here [when ever she does because even though we have FINALLY gotten her mom to let her come down here, Eddy said she wont tell us when because she wants to effin surprise us. =D]

And I am still beating myself up for what happened to Jane. I don't give a fuck I feel I could have stopped it. As I was laying on the couch and she said 'lets drink' I had it on the tip of my tongue to say: "No please stay sober with me. I wont get to see you leave tomorrow. Let Kc just have his stupid old fun, and talk with me before I pass out." Just as much as Kc and Jane [for lying!!!!!!] I have a part in it as well. I betrayed her moms trust by going along with the 'Margret doesn't allow alcohol" thing. I should have and Could have done the right thing but I was like no, I want to party too. Which I didn't because every fucking time someone drinks anymore something bad happens [EX. India....]

I just want it all to stop. I am just so fed up.